The Ones We Miss

I have really gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post anything specifically about Aunt Cyndi and JT's death. See, after I started this blog Jessica gave me a great idea about printing out the entries and using them to make a scrapbook for Tyler. I see scrapbooks as cheery and happy pictures with cute flower stickers in the spring and pumpkins in the fall. You don't really think of them as having a section on death. But, a scrapbook is a collection of memories you want to make sure are not forgotten. Since Tyler will not be able to have any memories of either of them, it seems so important to make sure I create them for him. I also have a more keen sense of my mortality. If I am called Home before he is old enough for me to tell him these things, I want them recorded for him. He has lost so much before being born. My Nannie, Bill's sister Christy, Aunt Cyndi and JT were all slated to be such a big part of his life and they never will be. So, I have decided that I can't do this without talking about them. Tyler, when you read this later,you have such a beautiful family that has gone before you. My heart hurts for the love you will never know.
I have cried more tears for JT over these last 4 months than I care to admit. I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't mourned deeply for him. He was a part of my daily life so the hole he left has been so easy to feel. I find myself tripping into it all the time. There isn't an inch of my life that doesn't flood me with memories of him, from home to Walmart to church to my car to my office. He is everywhere.
It hasn't been the same with Aunt Cyndi. She was more compartmentalized in my life. She wasn't everywhere, so unless I am where she was it is easier to shove those feelings to the back. The night I cut Jackie's hair I missed her horribly. I know that if she was still here, she would have fixed any mistakes I made and it made it so real when I was about to make the first cut and I had to warn Jackie she wasn't here to fix what I messed up. There have been many other times where I was doing something she would have been a part of and it became real that she wasn't here anymore. However, nothing has been as real as what I felt in my Childbirth class Saturday.
I don't know why, but I have always viewed Aunt Cyndi as a birthing champion. It seems like she handled childbirth so well. Pregnancy was a problem for her with headaches and such, but not childbirth. She was so strong. Also, in my early pregnancy I had to go on the same hormones she needed during pregnancy. Since we were the only ones in my family with that hormone issue, I decided we were the same. It may make no sense at all, but nothing I have thought in the last 8 months really has. Its just part of pregnacy I guess.
In my Childbirth class, the instructor was telling us about the importance of having support people with you during labor. She said if there was anyone in our family or friend circle that was "good at labor", we should ask them to be there with us. I realized then that the first person I thought of wasn't here. There wasn't time to swallow my tears. They just started flowing freely as I was forced to recognize that she is not with us anymore. I started crying right there in class on the front row, and then after I got lost 40 times on the way to the wedding I cried some more. It is almost like a delayed realization of her death. Maybe I couldn't handle it all at once so God has protected me by giving me small tastes of grief for Aunt Cyndi instead of forcing me to face it all at once. Whatever the reason, it has come in painful spits and spurts instead of one steady stream of hurt. I guess I am thankful.
When I got to the wedding, I was able to focus on Wes and Beth's happy time. After the ceremony, we enjoyed good food and conversation with family. One of the flower girls was dancing to the band playing and I suggested that Tori and Brianna go up and dance. Holly jumped in and volunteered to go with them and the girls were running up there before I knew it. I just stood there and watched these beautiful girls dance so carefree for a few minutes, and then tracked down Aunt Jen (the family photog) to capture the moment. After a few more minutes of watching, I had to walk outside and sob some more. Watching Tori dancing without a care in the world made me so thankful for the gifts God has given us. I am so thankful that Tori and Brianna can both dance joyfully. For a couple of kids they have been through so much. Thank you Lord for providing for them. Please continue to give each of us what we need to make it through each day and thank you for the happy times you give us.